The Dark Lord's Opinion On Global Warming
by BitingMonkeyWithBanana
Summary: Hello all! Lord Voldemort here, trying to tell you all to GET OFF YOUR BUTTS NOW AND STOP GLOBAL WARMING!!!!


The Dark Lord's Opinion on Global Warming

By Tom Marvolo Riddle a.k.a Lord Voldemort 

Introduction: The Green House Effect

            Do you ever wonder why you sunburn so easily? Do you ever think "Why does Auntie Marlene have skin cancer?" Well, this could be because of Global Warming and the green house effect. 

            Being the most powerful wizard on the planet isn't easy! In fact, sometimes I find it to be very monotonous and supercilious. Why must I get sunburned on my new body to add to the stress? That is why I decided to look into what was causing this.

            To begin, I must curse those mean muggles! They are careless fools with no appreciation for the world around us! Why can't they just stop to smell the wonderfully pink flowers? Why can't they learn to appreciate the holes that the chipmunks make in the soil? Where would we be without trees and………..THE OZONE LAYER!!!!

            We'll deal with the ozone later! (Ha, ha, do you see my fabulous Voldy sense of humor?) But now I must ask you: Do you think my eyes look better as their current blood red, or a dashing yet sexy baby blue?

            Okay, back to the Ozone Layer. It's depleting! And it's because of those muggles who use aero spray cans that eat away at that air protector thingy above the world! Antarctica is RUINED because of this! Now without any protection from the brilliant ozone layer, the suns rays are coming through the hole and are DESTROYING MY GOOD LOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            What bothers me about all this is that no one cares. I went to Wormtail for his opinion and he called me a hussy! Now I'm not quite sure what that means, but it's annoying! I asked him what on Earth he meant and he just laughed. I chewed his foot off. No one calls Lord Voldemort a hussy. 

            I kidnapped Harry Potter and asked him what his take is on global warming… He stared at me for a while, pushed up his glasses and said "Huh?" 

            I got very irked, pulled out my wand and shouted "Avada Kedavra!" Too bad I was so pissed off I hit one of my death eaters instead… I laughed about it later. Witches should NOT grow beards… it doesn't look good on them.

            Now for 10 Facts about life! 

            Fact #1: OZONE DEPLETION CAUSES SKIN CANCER!!!!! 

            Fact #2: Voldemort is hotter than you will EVER be.

            Fact #3: You stole that dress.

            Fact #4: I know. It was MY dress.

            Fact #5: That chap stole my engine red lipstick!

            Fact #6: I am exactly 6 feet tall! 

            Fact #7: That's 2 meters.

            Fact #8: Harry Potter must die…But I'm not quite sure why. It had something to do with a prophesy that broke but now I've just forgotten what that was about. (Hey! I'm a poet and I didn't even realize it!)

            Fact #9: I sleep with my dead mummy when I have nightmares.

            Fact #10: If you ever repeat that to ANYONE I'll cut of your lips and put them in jars!

            MEMORIZE THESE FACTS!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL BE QUIZED LATER! 

Now, time for a song I wrote:

The Ozone Layer is in danger

I feel the hot sunny rays while in my manger. 

The sun is dark when the time is night

But the ozone is still up there as if as in flight.

It keeps out the sun that causes bad cancer,

I used to have a reindeer, his name was Prancer! 

Please help me to rid the planet of this mess,

I will then take over and as the lord and I must be blessed!

Do you like my sweet Voldemort Poetry?

I think I'll market it and prosper in moetry… (Yes, I did make that up!)

Does anyone have a word that might rhyme with pineapple?

I know! I'll always ride my sweet gray dapple!

His name was Grindewald, he was my pal.

I wish he was a girl so he could be my gal.

But then again, I like boys too…

Hello young Harry, that was directed to you!

How do you like it? I think I'll be the next Edgar Allen Poe! (that was his name, right?)

Now comes the time to close this chapter and I will curse you and your family if you do not continue to read…. So read on! 

-Tom Marvolo Riddle a.k.a Lord Voldemort 


End file.
